When the Healer is not Healed

by Revernd Cynthia M. Diao
This is the season of rejoicing. It is a time for being with family and friends  to enjoy the season of miracles. But I do ask, how does one rejoice when grief is walking with you in this season? Where is the miracle if your heart is breakng?

My Son died by suicide in February and it has caused a rollercoaster of feelings. It is the Christmas holiday now and I ask, how do I rejoice for the birth of Jesus when my baby boy is gone?

I have even questioned God: “How do I
get through this pain?”

As a minister I pray for people. I visit the sick and encourage them and speak words of wisdom to those in need. I listen to others detail their holiday plans when all along my heart is breaking.

The first months after Raymond death, I could not understand why God did not let me know my son was in spiritual danger. I often feel and know when others need intersession prayer. I often feel and know when close friends are
sick, and I direct them to the doctor. “But God, why I didn’t know about my son?” I ask.

 

It’s now the season of my savior birth, a time of rejoicing and giving thanks. It’s time for trees and lights, giving gifts, and going to gatherings with family and friends. I dress myself up and put a smile on my face, however, in order  to move through this flow of questions and pain.

As I write this, I am reminded of the Christmas story and how Joseph and Mary pressed on in the face of their obstacle. Joseph pulled the donkey as Mary sat still trusting God. Jesus’ birth was a miracle. And now, my hope rests on that miracle.

A few days after my son’s death I was sitting in the dark in my room, just sitting. God touched my heart and showed me a vision. It was my miracle. I could see, as my son jumped from a bridge, Jesus caught him. Jesus held Raymond in his arms, taking him to the Gates of Heaven where my Mother and our ancestors were waiting for him. Jesus passed my son to my mother and she cleaned him up and took him in the Gates of Heaven – this was my miracle. I found comfort in the vision. I found comfort in seeing my son in Heaven with my mother

 

Jesus lives so Cynthia can face today. My dark nights are shining a little brighter because of Jesus’ birth. I now understand that joy does come in the morning. I can face my hurts and disappointment because Jesus lives and he
does give miracles. Let the Christmas music play. Put on the Christmas tree lights and gather with family and friends because our miracles live.

 

Grief-LGBT

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